I started this blog back in January 2016. Something had shifted inside of me. I was done with hiding, self pity, shame & over all feeling unworthy. Unworthy for those around me and in general….the world. I was 33, had been married for 15 years, had 5 children (one in heaven) and had recently left the organisation I was raised in. I thought this surely made me a grown up, yet the child inside of me was constantly terrified of being wrong or being judged.
I have no doubt that stems back to growing up in a place where we were taught to strive even though it could never be enough. We had to “hope & pray” that despite all of our reading, praying & attending that God would let us in those pearly gates in the end. I carefully followed the rules set out by the organisation desperate to please & be accepted. I never put a foot out of line yet I never felt that I was good enough. But I’ve spent years overcoming that.
Anyway back to my original story. So I started this blog after a massive life overhaul in the hopes of talking things out & maybe even resonating with some. I wrote one blog & when it came to renewing my subscription decided to close it down. Cause you know, I wasn’t enough. So I spent the last few years waiting to become “enough”. In other words waiting for internal & external circumstances to change. Like there was some sort of checklist that I couldn’t quite master. You know like obviously I had to have a hot bod, drive an amazing car, have a fabulous house and only wear the latest fashion. I also had to have some sort of degree in something so I could share my wealth of knowledge with the world. Yet I’m forever teaching my kids to be themselves and come at the world as they are! Practice what you preach mum!! So here I am! With my body that looks like it’s carried & birthed 5 babies and indulged in a little too much pizza, my banged up mini van cause you know, kids and “driving by feel”. My half renovated house that is too small for the 6 of us & my Target store clothes cause quite frankly it’s affordable and while my “not thigh gap” continues to rub together & make holes in my pants, I refuse to spend over $35 on a pair of jeans!!
As far as the degree goes well I’m half way through completing one titled “Life” so there’s that. I have a few things to share that some could relate to. You see life is not black and white. It’s all the colours you can see and even some you can’t. Just as the trees change colour according to the season, so do our lives. It’s all beautiful in its own way, just never same as the season before or the one to come.